Keep Me, Let Go
by Sombereyes
Summary: Shizuru needs love, understanding, and devotion. The only problem is, so does Natsuki. Their idea of love is different. Why can't Natsuki love her? A better question is, why doesn't Natsuki act on her true feelings...


A/N: posted this on a few other Fan Fiction sites, and actually this was the base idea for Vacant Infatuations. I decided to post it as a sort of "Before hand" story. Mostly so that you guys can sort of see where I had been coming from when I was playing around with the idea of Shiz/Nat. This is only meant as a one-shot, and I do hope you all enjoy it.

That said, this doesn't follow the main story line, it doesn't really have to large a part to play at all anymore...however, it did birth the way Vacant Infatuations is going, and I hope you all like it.

I don't own Mai HiME

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A sigh filled with longing resonated across the bathroom as the last droplets fell from the shower head. Quietly, Shizuru stepped out and grasped onto her towel. Purple and luxurious, one much larger than her form. Idly, she peered at the partnering towel. That one was Natsuki's. It was soft. Plush, and sky blue, a picture of serenity. Perhaps it was a failed reflection of its owner. Natsuki wasn't docile by nature. Shizuru herself, though outwardly serene, always held conflicting emotions just under the surface.

Her hand cleared away the cloud that had cloaked the surface in front of her. The mirror told Shizuru she was a beautiful woman, who's first year in collage was about to begin. Her hair was long, and cascaded freely down her back, always to do as it wished. It wasn't her fault that it remained prim and proper. Even the wind carried it elegantly, something she'd always found odd. She was voluptuous, a devil with darkened eyes. Innocent, and yet, her hands forever tainted with the blood of many. No matter how many times she washed away her memories, she could never repent enough for the things she'd done.

She, a woman by the family name Fujino, a personal name of Shizuru, knew she would never be what her body told of.

With slow and careful steps she walked out of the bathroom. It had been weeks since she'd told Natsuki her truest feelings. After the carnival, they'd spend quite large amounts of time going over their unspoken thoughts. In great detail they spilled forth everything. The battle, the lust, the pains hidden with fake smiles. Shizuru struggled with it. She was a woman fulled with secrets. She hid them well, and took pride in her outward appearance. It was a lie, but one to protect herself.

She did have to protect herself after all...in order to protect Natsuki.

It was something Natsuki hated, and pursued Shizuru with pure stubbornness if nothing else. The girl managed to squeeze a rather dark confession out of Shizuru. Everything from fantasies and nightmares poured out like a dreadful harmony. All of it by Natsuki's whim. The younger girl also spoke of things, while a blush consumed her face, a stutter overtook her words. Slowly, Shizuru learned the depth of Natsuki's world. How much she had seen, how much she'd felt.

How many people she loved...

It was different for everyone. Natsuki stated a deep need to have Mai and Mikoto around. Shizuru knew, even if the girl hadn't spoken of the word. Family, is how Natsuki viewed them. She also knew that particular love triangle came with lines none of those girls would cross. Shizuru trusted Mai, and perhaps, had a fondness for the girl herself. Mikoto was a lost cause for romance, but at least with Mai, the feral girl would always have a home. Shizuru didn't have any need to worry, and even found herself amused when Natsuki has shared a dorm room with the girls, although, her stay with them had been a brief one.

If only it had stopped there. If only it had been them. Mai's motherly affections made Natsuki at east. Mikoto, although quite the annoyance at times, gave Natsuki a reason to learn gentler actions. Her doting on the girl was minimal at best, but, Shizuru knew deep down, if it had only been those two girls, she would have been fine with it. However, Natsuki's heart went deeper than that. It was like a never ending pool of emotions, and all of them delved farther down than Shizuru could swim.

Natsuki loved all of the former HiME. Shizuru, who could only find a fondness for a select few of them, noticed quickly how large of a heart Natsuki had. In retrospect, it showed one very unhappy truth. Shizuru's soul was void of anything besides her fixation on Natsuki. Their house was a prime example of Natsuki's love, and Shizuru's tolerance. It was Natsuki's wish, that she invest in a large space. Taking a withdraw of money she'd saved, she purchased a home not all that far away from the academy. Slowly, she'd offered a room to those she'd felt she needed by her side.

Shizuru was her first priority. It warmed her heart, being invited to live with Natsuki. They weren't just roommates, they were...

...  
Well, Shizuru hadn't been quite sure.

Still, she shared a home with both friends and rivals here. However she knew her place well. Her room, was Natsuki's room. Her bed, she shared with the woman she loved. Natsuki had done so much, and yet, often times, for Shizuru it was not enough. Tonight it was pulling at her heart again, that little darkness not even Natsuki could cast away...

Doubt.

"Natsuki..." Shizuru whispered, her eyes on the woman who had been mulling over a piece of her rather ample collection. "Natsuki, what's wrong with me?"

The lacy number was soon forgotten as eyes of emerald followed the sound of the sweet and yet toxic voice. "What?" The girl was a biker, a rebel, and one without anyone who could have raised her. "Nothing's wrong with you." Natsuki told the older woman dumbly with her head cocked to the side, as if looking for an injury or a fatal flaw. "Everything's fine." She lacked some of the subtle social normality found within a person such as Shizuru. Mai called her dense, but Shizuru knew it was no fault of Natsuki's. Her eyes of emerald scanned Shizuru's face, hardened crimson eyes telling more than Natsuki really wanted to know. "Is there something wrong?" Now, it seemed as if Natsuki was unsure. "Did I do something?"

With closed eyes, and shaky fingers, Shizuru released her towel and it fell from her body with great haste. It wasn't slow at all, sexiness was lost by her inward terror. Her body stiffed, and she knew Natsuki's eyes were on her. Burning into her as they traced her. Her bosom rising and falling with each intake of breath, her midriff taunt and yet so supple, her womanhood cleanly shaven, her legs slender and yet, oh so strong. Her arms the same. Bangs that covered her eyes ever so slightly, this was her, bare, for her lover. Each moment a tense one as she awaited an answer she knew she may never get. "Make this pain go away Natsuki." She begged. "I can't deal with this anymore."

She heard cloth ruffling, and when she dared to open her eyes, Shizuru found that Natsuki was wrapping her up in their bed sheet. "I can't do that." Natsuki spoke softly, holding Shizuru in her arms. "I told you before, there are some forms of love I just can't return." With a gentle guiding hand, she pulled some strands of hair away from Shizuru's delicate face. "I'm not ready to return them yet. Maybe one day, just not tonight." Natsuki told her. "Those feelings are new to me, and you have to be willing to give me the space I need to figure them out on my own."

Natsuki held her for a few short minuets before kissing her softly on the lips. Natsuki did love her, Shizuru knew that. Still, as the night went on, much like many nights went on, Shizuru felt cold. She knew her love was taboo, that her gifts from Natsuki should be enough, but she always wanted more. That night, she heard Natsuki tell her once again, what she'd already known. "My love Shizuru, it isn't the same as yours." They both knew that statement. It was one of Natsuki's favorite to use. "Your love is deeper than mine could ever be. It's possessive and needy, greed takes it further and it makes you worried, Shizuru. You're love is so centered onto me, you don't see everyone else, and I can't let it be that way."

"Natsuki is all I need." Shizuru told her, grasping onto the warmth that held her as they cuddled in bed. "I need you to understand that."

"My love is for many people." Natsuki's soft smile was a beam of light on any darkened night, but it also pained Shizuru to know Natsuki was not happy with only her. "I can't do the things you want me to, because if I did, I know you'd lose it again. I know deep down, you need to open up, you need to have the ability to love and care for many people, not just me. However, you won't do that if I give you everything you want. If I were to fulfill all of your needs, you'll never open that heart of yours, and that's a lonely place, Shizuru."

"I don't feel any loneliness. I only feel that I am struggling to fend for myself." Shizuru told her. "If you loved me as I do you, I would not feel so lost."

A deep sigh fell from Natsuki's lips like a wave upon sand. The crashing of turmoil something both could sense easily. "I don't ever want to be in that place again, because if I did...and then I lost you..." Natsuki shrugged off what she was going to say, it had been spoken of once before. "That is a risk I can't take."

"There would be no need to become like you were before." Shizuru told her. "You would not lose me."

"You can't guarantee that, Shizuru." Natsuki snapped back quickly. "You can't promise an accident won't happen, that you won't become like my mother, and like Duran." It was their deaths that caused Natsuki to become so embittered. It was Shizuru's constant annoyance that began to temper Natsuki into a proper teenaged girl again, however without the others, Natsuki wouldn't have noticed anyone. Not even Shizuru herself. "I need people, Shizuru. I need friends and family, and...well, so do you. I know you think you have enough, but I don't think that's true."

"You won't lose me." Shizuru told her again, more imploring than before. "I would never speak of falsehoods."

"Then, because you don't listen to others, you're already putting yourself in danger." Natsuki's conviction was something that made her stubborn, but perhaps that was a good thing. "I will end up losing you, because you'll be consumed. You need others too. Just like I need others." Natsuki knew that truth. "Until your love becomes like mine, until we're the same, I can't give you what you want. I can't be the one you need me to be." It was something that they both needed to accept. A relenting sigh sounded like a failed plea, and Natsuki knew she risked harming the woman.

Still, Natsuki knew she couldn't waver, even when she turned off the light, signaling that no more words be spoken, she knew deep down, Shizuru wouldn't be willing to give up. "I'm not asking you to forget about everything. You don't need to become best friends with everyone, just look for others who you can devote your time, energy, and never ending compassion."

"My love for you, it is just like this room is now." Shizuru forced the conversation, unwilling to let go. "It's cold, alone, many things Natsuki. Many things, and they aren't good." It wasn't as if Shizuru had wanted to become so single minded, in fact, that was indeed not the case. "However, I reached out for you, a girl who at one time, saw many things within this world. You saw them in the same ways. You felt the same things. I longed for you, and only you. I wanted to be viewed by your eyes, in a true heartfelt way. I wanted it to be that way, so that I wouldn't be alone. Why can't you understand?"

"I can, and I do." Natsuki said harshly. "I know more than I'll ever let on, all because of you. You know what I want for you to do. I don't see it as that hard, especially if you really would do anything for me. You've opened the door into my heart, but I hit the ground running. If you want me Shizuru, that means you'll have to keep up."

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Again, if you've been following Vacant Infatuations, you can kinda see why I practiced with this first, even though the story doesn't follow it directly. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it.


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